Lost
by Crazy Authoresses CAT and AMS
Summary: -or- The Horrendous X-over from Hell. What happens when a plane full of the characters from our favorite (and least favorite) books and movies crashes on a remote desert island? This is no Survivor parody; just think of it as one big tangle of dementia...
1. What have I done to deserve this?

**Lost**

**--or—**

**The Horrendous X-over Fic FROM HELL**

A/NAs you know, Dominic Monaghan (Merry) is going to be on ABC's new show, Lost, that premieres on Sept.22. Oh... wait... sorry, -ahem- I forgot that only the Merry fangirls like me know that... and we're a rare breed.-sighs- Ah well... call it publicity, then! They'll probably kill him off first or something, knowing my luck, though... -ahem- Anyways, I digress. I got to thinking about the show (after thinking quite a bit about Dominic, that is... -drools-). Basically, the premise is that a plane full of strangers crashes on the island and become stranded. And you know that that'll create more drama than Survivor any day. Well, my slightly demented fangirl (Hey! That's the only thing I'm a _fangirl _over... really! I'm just a fan/obsessed with all my other hobbies.) mind got to working. Yes, I had done crossovers before, but none could compare to one of these proportions. What if the characters from all our favorite (and least favorite) categories had the same thing happen to them. Screw Survivor parodies—this is like that and Gilligan's Island rolled into one big ball of dementia! All I can say is beware the sugar-high history of my stories... this could get out of hand.

**Chapter One- What have I done to deserve this????**

**-Legolas' POV-**

_It had began as a fairly normal day, _Legolas mused, _of course, nothing stayed normal for long when he encountered sugar-high authors...it was either one thing or another: slash and his hair getting made fun of, and even, he shuddered to think, hordes of fangirls had become everyday occurrences since the Lord of the Rings movies had been released on that horrible planet, Earth. And then the letter had come. He should have suspected..._

-Several weeks earlier-

He had been sitting quietly in his room, making sure that his hair was perfectly in place for a photo shoot. The fangirls all but expected him to now... and frankly, it was a bloody nuisance.

"Aragorn definitely got the better end of the deal: grungy hair, a kingship, and a romantic interest. Frodo and Gandalf all but disappeared effectively, Merry and Pippin got blended into one super-hobbit, Sam got married (go figure...), Boromir is "dead", and Gimli can hide underground." He grimaced to himself, "Lucky..."

Mirkwood and Rivendell had recently become the stalking grounds of several hundred fangirls from Earth (who knows how they got there...) waiting for him to come out of hiding. He sighed and went back to blow-drying his hair for the eightieth time, for his hair actually frizzed horribly normally. That's what you got for trying to look good in the public eye during the Counsel of Elrond. Expectation. He gave the blow-dryer an evil look and resumed the process, ignoring the pain in his arm from holding the damned thing so long. Just as he had finished the last section, a large owl came flying in from the outside corridor and landed on his head in a flurry of wings. His hours of work ruined, he seriously considered drawing his bow and arrow on the bird... until he noticed the letter tied to the bird's leg. Upon first impression, he had a horribly foreboding instinct to ignore the owl, but little-by-little, his curiosity overcame him. He untied the letter and opened the seal.

**CONGRATULATIONS, PRINCE LEGOLAS GREENLEAF!**

**YOU HAVE REACHED THE ONE MILLION FANGIRL-MARK!**

**WE AT THE BPA (BISHOUNEN PROTECTION AGENCY) HAVE ACKNOWLEGDED YOUR STATUS WITH THIS ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME OFFER! YOU AND THE GUESTS OF YOUR CHOICE HAVE BEEN SELECTED TO RECEIVE AN ALL-EXPENSE PAID TRIP TO SUNNY ONÉ PACSÉ ISLAND, A TROPICAL ISLAND ON EARTH DESERTED OF FANGIRLS! **

**REPLY AT ONCE TO BOOK YOUR RESERVATION BEFORE SUPPLIES RUN OUT! DON'T MISS OUT!**

**THE BISHOUNEN PROTECTION AGENCY**

Highly disturbed, Legolas gaped at the letter for quite some time. True, he probably _had_ reached the one-million-fangirl mark, but this reeked of a trap set by _them_. Still... it was intriguing. Suddenly, a brilliant idea came to him. He rummaged through the corners of his chamber until he emerged with eight pieces of parchment. Each held the whereabouts of the members of the Fellowship. Grinning evilly, he reached for a quill and tactfully wrote out invitations to each of his unsuspecting friends. If he was going to walk into a trap, might as well drag his companions down, too. Of course, it had nothing to do with the fact that they constantly shot down his complaints about popularity with good-natured scorn, saying that _he_ was the lucky one. Noooo... nothing at all. But—being ambushed by fangirls on an island could be good for them. With a feeling of great satisfaction, he began composing his letter to the BPA requesting ten tickets and tied it to the leg of the impatient owl, who was now hopping around Legolas' vanity, puncturing holes in his various bottles of styling tonics. Calling for a courier, he dismissed the owl with a hand motion, and within moments, a servant came sprinting up the stairwell.

"Yes, my lord?" She said with an automatic sugary sweet smile and a wink before she noticed his rat's nest of hair. A look of pure horror crossed her face.

Dear Valar. _They_ had even invaded the castle staff...

"I'd like you to request a messenger to send these letters out. A very swift messenger."

"Y-Y-Yes, mi'lord." She said, a trace of a shudder barely apparent in her voice.

He stretched out onto his bed, ignoring the fact that he had an appointment in less than five minutes.

"Revenge is sweet..." He sighed happily, basking in his happy little afterglow.

**Part Two: Hey! Look! It's mail! For me!**

Harry Potter groaned and rolled over in bed to look at his alarm clock. The green letters flashed 2:34 AM with a mocking pulse.

_Damn it! _He silently cursed.

He had missed his birthday. Ms. Rowling was sure to be angry. Every year, She lectured him on how important it was to be extremely dejected on his birthdays. She said that it was important for fostering "reader relation and pity". This was bad. She had the whole house monitored. Of course, She said that it was because he was Her muse and She had to have unlimited surveillance of him, but he called it being Her slave. It was a mater of moments before She'd know and he'd be punished. And Her punishments were nothing to scoff at... for (though no one really knew besides him) She was the reason his summers were always miserable. The Dursleys had _tolerated _him before She had come. After that, they went out of their way to be dreadful to him. It was like She took a sadistic pleasure in torturing him. He heard the fluttering of wings, and braced himself for the Howler that was to come (the first phase of punishment). He peered at the owl that was perched outside his window nearsightedly and groped for his glasses. It certainly didn't look like a Howler that it had tied to its leg... He opened the window quickly, for fear of any other owls coming in, and untied the letter from the hopping owl's leg, who quickly set out to find a way to become as much of a nuisance as possible. Harry, however, didn't even take notice when it went into a dive-bombing rampage around his room. The letter held his attention with the strength of super-glue. He was never allowed mail from anyone besides Hagrid, Hogwarts, Ron, and Hermione.

_Dear Mr. Potter,_

_We are pleased to inform you that you have been determined a candidate for the WPP (Witness Protection Program), as a certain Mr. Lord Voldemort has been stalking you for your involvement in the case of his near-death. We will be relocating you and four others stalked by this criminal to an island called Oné Pacsé, where you will begin your new lives. All educational provisions will be taken care of by the WPP in conjunction with Albus Dumbledore. You will be shipped a ticket and further information in less than one week for your journey. _

_Yours Sincerely,_

_Agent Smith of the WPP_

_FINALLY! _He exulted silently.

He could take Voldemort, but at least he'd be away from the hell-hole that She had made out of his life. Though, he had to admit, that it was highly unlikely that even the government would be so behind as to enter him into the WPP over fifteen years after the fact. Not even logic could ruin the news, however. Within minutes, he was leaping around his room in rapture.

_IT'S MINE! _he grinned in silent triumph, _FREEDOM!_

A/N- Whew... yes, this was really weird. Even for my standards. –grins- But the first part is kind of like an exposition showing what _REALLY_ happens to our favorite characters during their off-time. Just wait until they all get onto the plane... my normal slapstick chaos will certainly be incurred... Be afraid. Next chapter: POTC and two less-than-favorite series will be introduced into the tangled web. Now... go be kind to the periwinkle box... it's calling you...

Periwinkle Box: I'm so loooonely... write in me! Come on, click me! You know you want to...


	2. Herdin' me up some new cattle

Lost

Chapter 2: Herding me up some new cattle...

A/N:

A word to my reviewers... 

Laurel Whitney- Oh, I love doing that to all the characters, too! My best friend is a movie buff, so every time we hang out we always (somehow) find another movie they're in! Thirteen-Going-On-Thirty has Andy Serkis (Gollum/Smeagol) as the gay magazine editor... who danced to Michael Jackson's "Thriller". -Shudders- We both sat in awe when we realized it was him and laughed our asses off... Then she _dragged_ me to see Princess Diaries 2, and John Rees-Davies was in it... and in one scene, he was screaming after his nephew, Nicolas, and we were rolling because it sounded way too much like he was screaming "LEGOLAS!" So every time he had a dramatic moment, we'd lean over and whisper "Toss me!" To each other, and it was over... And did you hear about National Treasure with... err...Sean Bean (Boromir)? He's the "evil" one AGAIN, I think! (and I use the word loosely, because he's not REALLY in LOTR esp. because he saved my Merry, but.... You get the point.) Oh my, my babbling has reached new levels this installment... Thank you very much for the review! It was very kind!

Knight-whosays-Ni- Wow... that's a common response to my stories. I wonder why... -grin- Anyways, thanks for reviewing!

Dark Borg Drone: Thanks for reviewing!! Only one question that I feel really stupid for asking... what's PWB? -.-' I'm bad at web-slang...

s n o g g i n g withdrawal- thank you! I'm afraid that I failed you with the whole updating soon part, though –grin-

Elfin Kagome- Yes! Another weird and funny! Score!

KystalK8 Insanity is a wonderful, wonderful thing, doncha think? Thanks!

Ashly Potter –drool- Dom... Wow, another Dom fan. Yay! I watch Lost every week. And isn't it great that he won't die? –see below in Lost section- Thanks!

VampireNextDoor –sniff- How nice! Bwahahaha... less than favorite-ness this episode! Enjoy.. –cackles evilly-

miss-anonymous13- Aww, thanks! Fans of Lost, unite!!!! Hopefully they'll buy me some more reviews this installment. –grin- Soon? What's your definition of soon... Oops...

**Excuses:** Oh my... it's been a while, hasn't it? I feel so guilty... MEEP! I'm sorry! I'm student directing my new school's play, and I've been procrastinating on getting a job as much as possible and college resumes are approaching. Plus, I _might_ be writing some script for a friend's web comic... pretty lame excuses, huh?

The real one is that I've been moving into my new _house_!!!!! Exciting, isn't it????? Oh well... the important thing is that I'm actually updating... now. And guess what! I'm making my own website in Internet class, so lotsa HP/LOTR/Dom stuff will be on it! Not that I have any money for a real domain name... It's a vicious circle... I WILL UPDATE ALL MY STORIES BY THE END OF THE MONTH! THAT'S A PROMISE!

**To all those who watched Lost: **GAH!!!I think they've tried to kill off Dom about 5 times already! –sniffles- And he's a druggie... but still a great actor –ahem- And hot... so whatever... -grins- He's so funny in the show, though. At times... Anyways, Best char. ever... except how he pulled a white-girl-in-a-horror-flick and tripped the first time the thing came after them. –groans- I thought he was a goner. And I was verrrry sad and about to swear off all TV forever. But he's like the Energizer bunny... he never dies! Yes! Score! Plus, I just saw a TV guide where the producers promised not to kill him off to make his "rabid fan following" happy. ALRIGHT! There are more of us!!!

POTC fans, be prepared...

Chapter Two: Herding me up some new cattle...

Part Three: Mmmmm... rum...

Jack Sparrow sat in utter and desolate despair below decks on the Black Pearl . Yes, he had his pretty boat now, but the boredom of not having one's life in danger every few minutes was enough to drive a man mad. And to make things even worse and intolerable, there was...

NO MORE RUM ONBOARD.

And to add insult to injury, Anamaria had decided to try to wake him up, namely by pounding him over the head with his own empty bottle.

"Get up, dammit!" she yelled into his ear.

"Mrmmm...?" he said, which loosely translated to "Why?" in Jack-speak.

"WHY? Because you have duties, that's _why_. You've been asleep half the day. Not to mention the fact that I'm horribly bored..."

He whimpered slightly and hid under his pillow, though it didn't take away the clear-headed feeling of being sober.

"NOOOOO!!!!" He screamed, praying that the headache that resulted would replace a hangover.

It didn't.

What he needed was some adventure, some action... some rum. But even pirates have slumps and no wealthy merchant ships were anywhere near them. In fact, he doubted he'd seen so much as a canoe in the last few days. Not that there were really any canoes in the Caribbean, generally. It was the point that mattered. Not even Tortuga could save him from his boredom now; he'd done everything new and exciting there. (A/N- **-ahem- **Minds out of the gutter, people... even though that's where mine lives... it has a cardboard box house and everything!)

"Out onto the deck into the sunlight, mister." Anamaria said, shoving him out of bed, failing to care if he was half-dressed.

"Five more minutes..." He muttered, trying to dive back into bed.

She, however, put a vicegrip on his ear and towed him out of the cabin and onto the deck.

"It'll make you feel better." She commanded in her scariest, most authoritative voice, which was something you couldn't just ignore, even if you were Captain Jack Sparrow.

The sunlight's glare off the water burned his eyes and helped his headache intensify a few notches, and for a few brief moments, he debated on whether or not to jump off the side of the ship to relieve the monotony. Just when he thought that his future looked completely bleak, billowing white sails appeared on the horizon. Billowing white sails of a ship with a verrry rich owner. Who probably had some sort of alcohol aboard. A pool of drool began to form at his feet before he came to his senses.

"All hands on deck! We've got ourselves a ship to board." He shouted, grinning evilly and nearly slipping on the accumulated drool. Beside him, a certain someone ahem-ed loudly.

"We've had our eye on that ship for the past hour. And it doesn't seem to be going very fast. By my calculations, it will be within boarding distance at approximately midnight."

"WHAT?" Jack shouted, a vein bulging on his neck, "We have the Black bloody Pearl. What ship can outrun us? Definitely not _that_ slow thing."

"I don't know." Anamaria sighed, "I just don't have a good feeling about this."  
"RAISE THE PIRATE STANDARD!" Jack shouted.

And that's when things got bad.

Part Four: Scourge of the Earth...

(A/N- ha! Cliffhanger-ness! And POTC being replaced with..... well, you'll see. I'm gonna get some complaints... –grin- GAH! I was just about to do research on the new versions of this, but I really couldn't bear to dirty my google search box with it, so I'll have to go off of memory. Yes. I watched it when I was ten or eleven! SO WHAT!!!! ; I still have my cards somewhere, but that's just because I think that I'll actually get something for them someday. Ha. Just like everyone else. Whatever. The funny thing was that I sucked (and still do) at card strategy games, so they never really got used. I just liked finding pretty cards with holographiness. I was such an odd child... anyways, FYI, I watched this once over summer break, but could only sit through it for five minutes. So just for the record, I'll say this: The show is evil.

"Alright, everybody! It's time to get up and face the day! Come on, the sun's shining and-"

Ash Ketchum was interrupted from his horrible cheerfulness by a mallet to the face.

"You expect me to be happy after sleeping on the ground in the middle of the wilderness with two guys?" The mallet-wielder glared.

Ash resorted to humming his annoying little theme song at the top of his lungs (you know which one I'm talking about).

"Dammit, do you really have to sing that ANYTIME we're walking? It's not even a real song for God's sake!"

"Dumdedumdumdedummdum" Ash hummed on, oblivious to the redhead on a tirade beside him. Namely, because she was almost always on a tirade. Humming helped him go to his "happy place".

"Why are we walking around in circles in the grass AGAIN? What the hell is wrong with you???? And _why _do I hang out with you? I'm obviously too good for both of you."

"We've gotta catch them all!" Ash said, with his usual incredibly stupid hardheadedness.

"Has it ever occurred to you that you accepted a mission from a professor (who was quite possibly crazy) that basically entails the enslavement of creatures who have generally done nothing wrong to you in tiny balls? And you don't even get paid for it, dumbass!"

"**I'm gonna be the very best... like no one ever was**." Ash sang, knowing his control over his group was slipping.

"Is it just me or does he sound like Michael Jackson when he's singing this horrible theme song?" Misty groaned, wishing that she hadn't brought anything else up. And wishing that she had earmuffs.

It was too late for wishing, though. Ash's torture for blasphemers had begun. And it'd go on like his to at least two hours.

"**To catch them is my own test... to train them is my cause."**

"Way to go, Misty." Brock said, rolling his eyes.

"Oh, shut up, Brock. I'm in as much pain as you. He never tires of this awful theme song!"

"**I will travel across the land..."**

"Yeah, you're in as much pain, but you _started _it." Brock replied, rolling his eyes again.

"Shut up. Besides, you CAN'T roll your eyes at me."

"Why not?" Brock said angrily.

"**Searching far and wide..."**

Pikachu backed away and considered going back into the tiny-ball-of-hell to escape the inevitable mallet fest. Or to give Ash a seizure right then. Choices, choices...

"Your eyes are always shut. How can you roll them?"

"..."

"Pika pikaaaaa." Pikachu said, which loosely translated to 'She has a point.'**  
**

"**For each Pokemon to understand the power that's insiiiide."**

And then, the worst part of this Hell came. Misty and Brock both trembled in fear and resisted the urge, but it eventually overcame them. They began to sing along. And dance.

"**Pokemon."**

"**A heart so truuueeeeee... your courage will pull us through."**

"**You teach me and I'll teach you... POKEMON..."**

"Again with the Michael Jackson-ness..." Misty managed before being sucked back into the finale.

**Gotta catch 'em all... gotta catch 'em all! POKEMON!**

"Dear Lord, PLEASE, JUST STRIKE ME DOWN NOW! I WANNA GO HOME! OR DIE TRYING!" She sobbed, collapsing to the floor, "I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! WHY ME?"

"You. Shall. Not. Question. The. Master. Of. This. World." Ash said, his eyes growing slightly bigger and redder.

"Errr... ok?" Misty gaped.

"I must say, Misty, you were one of my favorite specimens caught, but if you keep acting like this, I will have to take drastic measures."

"Speci-- Eh?" She scowled until she saw Brock make vigorous nix motions behind Ash's back, "Errr, I mean, Yes, sir!"

"Good. Now let's run through that again."

And he began singing. Again. And Misty and Brock's eardrums began to bleed. Again.

"Psst... Misty?" Brock said, elbowing his fellow prisoner while trying to stem the blood flow.

"Yeah?" She mumbled with her head buried in her arms in agony.

"Run. Run away as fast as you can. Ash is up to something. Something bad. Save yourself, Misty."

She rolled her eyes and glared at him

"This another doomsday prophecy to try to get into pants, isn't it? Like the time that you told me that Ash was the Anti-Christ and that he would use his army of Pokemon minions to enslave the human race and that we would have to repopulate a race of humans who weren't in bondage to him? 'Cause that was a pretty lame one... Ash is perfectly harmless."

"Oh yeah? Ask Pikachu."

"Pikkkkaaa! Pi Pikaaaaaaaa!" Which translated roughly into "Dear God, help me. He touches me."

He began to sob, not that anyone understood. Even when he started rolling on the ground in anguish, the others (and especially Misty) cooed about his cute little "prance dance". Brock attempted to roll his eyes again.

"No, seriously, isn't it odd that he called you a specimen?"

"Nah... that was just Dark Ash talking."

"Err, Misty? Wrong show."

"Oh. Right. I guess it _was_ kind of weird, then." Misty muttered, sneaking a glance back at Ash to make sure he was still occupied. Surely enough, Squirtle and Charmander were writhing in pain from the singing. He'd be distracted for a while.

"Dammit. There must be a leakage in the fabric of fiction. I know that's how I got here. I used to be a playboy gunsman in an adult swim anime show. And look at me now!!! Going after Nurse Joys who perpetually shoot _me_ down and being some little sadistic kid's bitch. Oh, the shame..."

"Yeah, well I was a seductress. Alright, I was a secondary character to some naïve bimbo blonde, but I had a huge male following. And now I got stuck in this show where I look like I'm 12."

"True dat." Brock said, with an evil letch grin directed to her chest area.

"I will kill you dead. Don't doubt me. So, what do we do?"

"That's the thing... I don't know. Any ideas, Misty?"

By then, the mallet had already swung, leaving Brock to ogle the pretty little Nurse Joys twittering around his head.

"You mean you don't even have a plan???" She roared a bit too loudly.

Ash snapped out of the singing abruptly, leaving Squirtle and Charmander to have spasms on the ground.

"WHAT SORT OF A PLAN????" Ash barked from behind Misty, making her jump out of her seat and have a heart attack simultaneously.

"Errrr.. oh crap."

"So... you've figured out my master plan, have you?"

"Well, no, not really..."

"And you know that I'm planning to bringing some new specimens from all the realms of fiction here shortly."

"No, actually, I didn't. And I don't really want---"

"Why, you might ask. BECAUSE I HAVE TO CATCH THEM ALL."

"I think he's turning into one of those villains who divulge their master plan to anyone." Misty groaned to the still-unconscious Brock.

A pop of displaced air signaled the arrival of three new guests.

"You've got that right. Not even _we're_ that bad." Jesse purred, **"JESSE!"**

**"JAMES!"** Her counterpart screeched.

"To protect the world from devastation--" 

Misty left Brock to his fate as they spewed out their speech and another pokemon battle ensued. She knew had a new quest before her: to go find a gun to shoot herself with. Of course, it WAS a rated G show, which meant she probably wouldn't ever find a gun, let alone die. Still, there was always drowning...

A/N- Wow, this went in a bit of a different direction than I expected. Odd... Still, I like it! Anyways, in the next chapter, there will be one more series introduced before the actual story begins. And you guys get a choice! It can be either the characters from Yu-Gi-Oh since I did promise two really bad shows. Sorry to all of you who like it, but... AUGH! They killed all the characters' real personalities. They are actually pretty cool in the mangas, but the show just killed them dead. Especially Anzu/Thea. So you get a choice between the anime and manga versions if you vote for Yu-Gi-Oh. -ahem- Anyhow, you get another choice in the spirit of the democratic voting process. -keeps mouth shut about all other election-related topics that took place in November- You can also vote for the characters from the Young Wizards series of books. I'm not sure if they're popular enough, but I love them! And no matter what, I'll do short descriptions for those of you who aren't acquainted with either, so vote no matter what!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A short breakdown for those of you who don't actually read post-story notes:

You can vote for the next series that gets thrown in to the pot of dementia that's a-brewin'. Whichever series reaches 5 votes first wins!

1st candidate: Yu-Gi-Oh

subcategories: TV show or manga

2nd category: Young Wizards (books)

NOW GO... EXERCISE YOUR DEMOCRATIC RIGHTS! VOTE (and review, too!)!!!!


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